Poor Ireland. Their economy is sagging incredibly low, like a broken bagpipe. We thought the bailouts of big American institutions were bad, but imagine when your entire country needs bailing out. We wanted to help.
So, we decided to give Dan Rooney a call. Mr. Rooney is not only the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, he’s also the United States’ current ambassador to Ireland. We gave him a call to let him know we would love to offer our support to the Irish people…
Irish Embassy (IE): Thanks so much for calling, how can I help you?
CreditCardAssist (CCA): Hi, yes… Who are we speaking to?
IE: This is Mary.
CCA: Mary, we’d like to talk to Mr. Rooney, please.
IE: Um, may I ask who’s calling?
CCA: We’re from Credit Card Assist, and we’d like to talk to Mr. Rooney about helping with this financial bailout situation.
IE: Really, what can you do to help?
CCA: Well, we just got this American Express Gold Card, and it says it has no predetermined spending limit.
CCA: So we were thinking we’d like to help Ireland out. They did invent St. Patrick’s Day, right?
IE: I’m not sure it was something that was invented…
CCA: Look Mary, St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday we Americans love. It’s the only day where a gift of Guinness is an acceptable greeting. It’s a delightful concept that we don’t want to become extinct. We’ve gotta help.
IE: I think you’re confused about the concept of St. Patrick’s Day. It’s actually a religious…
CCA: (cutting Mary off) We’re not confused, Mary. There’s no confusion in the concept that we love Ireland. You guys farm shamrocks, which are totally lucky. By the way, there should be an early harvest o’ the shamrocks this year, for good luck. You guys need it.
IE: (long awkward pause…)
CCA: Now Mary, how much do we need on the old credit card? No spending limit. Ten thousand dollars? Eleven?
IE: We use the Euro here.
CCA: Could we pay in Keebler cookies? We’ve heard those elves are blood relatives to your leprechauns. True?
IE: Are you being serious? Neither of those things are real.
CCA: Well, the economy over there isn’t going to be real anymore either, if we can’t talk to Mr. Rooney.
IE: He’s actually busy right now preparing for a meeting. I can take a message for you.
CCA: OK, tell him all the things we said here and … (another long awkward pause)
CCA: Can he get us some Steelers tickets? He owns the team. He’s not going to the games since he’s in Ireland, and they’re having a pretty good season.
Clearly, Ireland is in this mess because they’re not willing to accept help from people like us. Although personally, if we were running Ireland, we’d call in Bono. That dude has enough money to buy the entire country, Shamrock Shakes and all.