August is here again, which means that it’s time to go back to school with the most reliable financial horoscope on the Internet. After a few nights spent staring aimlessly into the heavens, the great and cheeky celestial bodies have finally surrendered their insights into your financial futures with us – and we’re now ready to pass their wisdom on to you.
So what will your fortunes hold this month? Will your budgeting skills put you at the head of the class or will poor spending decisions leave you stuck waiting for the bus? You’ll just have to read on to find out.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) – There are a lot of things hanging over your head right now, Aries. Consequently, it’s important to keep your life in perspective. While your credit card debt may seem smothering, we’re pretty sure your biggest problem is really that rotting support beam in the foyer. If you don’t get that thing fixed soon, we foresee large medical bills in your future.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Venus, the planet of love, money and regrettable one-night stands, has been loitering in your sector longer than usual, Taurus. We have to admit, we’re pretty jealous. However, as Robert Frost famously put it, nothing gold can stay. So get your jollies in while you can. Before the month is out, your cash flow will look more like a trickle again. And then who’ll be laughing? We will, that’s who.
Gemini (May 20 – June 21) – You’ve been a good budgeter this summer, but you could afford to loosen up a little, Gemini. The stars tell us that the way you judge yourself in front of the mirror every morning is downright depressing. We advise you to buy an overpriced beauty product and slather yourself in it. You only go around once, and if you can’t do it with a perfect body then you may as well do it with radiant skin.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – If you think times are tough now, Cancer, just wait until the end of the month. We don’t want to spoil the surprise for you, but we will say this – if you don’t hide your assets from your significant other now, you’re going to regret it later. Also, avoid any toddler pageants that happen to be going on this month.
Leo (July 23 – August 21) – Leo, Don’t dwell on past mistakes. Thinking about what you’ve lost isn’t going to bring it back, and now is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf. Start by paying down your debt. Refinance your mortgage. Invest in the bond market. Buy some fancy pants and strut around the office in those bad boys like it was your God-given purpose. A little confidence never hurt anybody, after all.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Virgos might feel some niggling financial tension this week. That’s probably because you virgins have been forgetting to pay a certain utility bill. You should probably address that before they cut you off. If you decide to travel this month, prepare for a runaway llama to make a negative impact on your car insurance premium.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – A life-changing experience might inspire you to sell all your worldly belongings and move overseas. If that’s the case, Libra, then we say “full steam ahead!” Life should be an adventure – an adventure that’s full of corrupt border officials and foreign innkeepers with no concept of personal space. If we were you, we’d put our savings into a Swiss bank account and carry as little cash as possible. Remember that a bribe is quicker and sometimes cheaper than waiting for the official paperwork to come through.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Love isn’t cheap, Scorpio. A new romantic experience will lead you to spend more money than you feel comfortable spending. It’s all right, though. You’re young! Wait, no you aren’t. You should probably tone things down a bit. Nobody wants to end up alone, but you’ve got your retirement to think about here.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Luck is on your side, Sagittarius. Expect to come into some money that you don’t really deserve this month. Since you might feel guilty about this windfall if you let it sit around, we recommend getting it out of sight quickly. Buy a summer cottage somewhere far away and sunny. Your mood will improve in no time.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – The reason your salary is depressing you, Capricorn, is because you don’t appreciate the value of a dollar. Luckily, there’s a remedy for that. This month, limit your shopping trips to your nearby dollar store. After eating ramen noodles for a few weeks, a double-digit income will seem positively wonderful.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Mercury will make an uninvited appearance in your financial sector this month, Aquarius. Brace yourself, because before long your friends will approach you with a string of unwise business proposals. No matter how hard they push, remember that there is no way a social network for cats will be profitable. One already exists, and it’s called the Internet. Maybe you’ve heard of it?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – It’s time to get serious, Pisces. Everybody knows that that Mercedes in your driveway isn’t yours. If you really want a nice set of wheels, stop spending your money on fantasy sports guides and start building a nest egg. You might not ever be able to afford a luxury car, but plenty of people are happy driving reasonable family sedans.
This concludes your (100% accurate) financial horoscope for August. Hopefully the universe will take mercy on your poor soul and give you a break this month. If not, then remember that September is only a few weeks away. Stop by next month for even more fantastic and completely true predictions about your financial future.