It’s September again, and everything is coming up pumpkins. This week we’ve purchased a pumpkin latte, some pumpkin Hershey Kisses, a can of pumpkin air freshener and even a six-pack of pumpkin beer. This month it’s safe to say that the stars have conspired to make life delicious for your favorite credit card bloggers.
For you, though, the skies may not look quite so good. Venus and Uranus are in a custody feud over who gets Pluto on the weekends, and Mars is yelling something about big metal bugs crawling all over it. Consequently, only a few of you will be lucky enough to stay ahead of the financial curve this September. Read on to find out who you are.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) – If you want to boost your income, Aries, you’ll have to get a little reckless this month. Anonymously contact your local media outlets and inform them that you’re in possession of both Mitt Romney’s tax returns and Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Set up a Swiss bank account and command the Associated Press to wire you $15 million if they want to learn the truth. Be prepared to run from the FBI for a few years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Uh oh, Taurus. It looks like the south node will be missing from your income sector and that the north node will be missing from your finance sector this month. Prepare to experience something like a personal Great Depression. In cases such as yours, it’s best to simply bolster yourself and stoically accept your fate. Break out the old guitar and prepare for your new life of busking on street corners. Write a few songs about how you wish your nodes would return to you. Those will be real tearjerkers.
Gemini (May 20 – June 21) – The fight involving Venus and Uranus affects you more than anyone else, Gemini. The repercussions of this celestial disagreement will likely come in the form of a demotion at work or the theft of your wallet from a local watering hole. Remember that no matter how tough things get, it’s not your fault that Uranus and Venus couldn’t make things work. They love you and Pluto very much.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Follow your passion this month, Cancer, and you’ll be handsomely rewarded. For instance, if you ask that beautiful co-worker out on a date, he or she might end up paying you $100 to never talk to them again. You might even be lucky enough to be struck by a car while learning how to drive your new motorcycle. Do you know how much you could make from that lawsuit? Probably not much more than it takes to cover your medical bills, but hey – a dollar’s a dollar, right?
Leo (July 23 – August 21) – Stop using that prepaid card, Leo. It’s time to open a checking account like a grown-up. While we’re on the subject of maturity, it’s also time to change your email address to something a little less playful. “BBalllover85” might have been appropriate during your junior year of high school, but we all know you couldn’t make a layup these days if your life depended on it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – You know all those shares you own in tech companies? Sell them, Virgo. Sell them all. Groupon. Facebook. Pandora. All of them. You’re not going to make the money back, and if you don’t get out now you’re going to be in for a very cold winter. Invest in the bond market instead. The ROI isn’t as high as what the stock market gets you, but let’s be honest – you’re getting older, and you need the stability.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Stop fighting the stressors in your life, Libra. Relax and let them all wash over you. It’s time to lift your nose off of the grindstone and live a little. Wear casual clothes to work this month. While your boss will be peeved at first, eventually he’ll come to admire your chutzpah and you’ll get that raise you’ve been jonesing for.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Don’t get too down on yourself, Scorpio. No matter how much weight you’ve gained since college, somebody – somewhere – still thinks you’re beautiful. There’s a fetish out there for everything, after all, and you’re sitting on a perfectly good financial opportunity. Sign up as a camera model for one of those seedy websites your parents warned you about. Shake it and make it, baby. Remember, tips will fatten up your rainy-day fund, but they’re also compliments wrapped in dollar bills.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Set your financial sights high this month, Sagittarius. Now’s the perfect time to open that restaurant or beauty salon you’ve always dreamed of. You’re most likely going to fall far short of your expectations, but the experience should really help you appreciate the little things in life – like the steady job you left behind and will end up desperately trying to get back.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Treat yourself, Capricorn. If you don’t have an air miles credit card yet, apply for one. Use the generous signing bonus to buy two plane tickets to somewhere warm and tropical. Spend a week sipping Blue Lagoons and making sand castles. When you get back stateside, cancel the card so that it doesn’t start to affect your pristine credit rating.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Mars’s itch-induced flailing will bring chaos to your financial sector this month. Batten down the hatches, Aquarius, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. You’re going to make a fortune one week then lose it the next and then possibly make it back again the week after that – but only possibly. Truth be told, you’re probably just going to experience the initial “making” and “losing” bits, but we don’t want to spoil the month for you. It’s really a lovely time of year.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Reinvent yourself, Pisces, and fortune will follow. Buy a new suit, wear a new perfume and embrace a radically different hairstyle. Convince people that you’re more talented and attractive than you really are. If you commit to the con long enough, it will start to become true.
This concludes your (100% accurate) financial horoscope for September. As you can see, the stars are definitely not in the best of moods this month. Just remember that no matter how good or bad things get for your bank account, a pumpkin latte will always make you feel a little bit better. Stop by next month for even more fantastic and completely true predictions about your financial future.