While many people view the summer as a time for celebration and indulgence, many more are still struggling to free themselves from debt and the aftershocks of the recession. In these totally uncertain times, it can’t hurt to look to the stars for guidance. So what does your horoscope suggest about what’s in store for you financially? Take a look and see for yourself.
- Aries. If you want to make a significant change in your work life, this is the month to do it. Send your employer a message, like give me a raise, you jerk, or Ill quit. If they dont acknowledge you, find or post an embarrassing video of them on YouTube and CC the entire company on it. It may be mean, but hey youre a hothead. Thats just how Aries rolls.
- Taurus. Times may be tough, but dont lose that characteristic persistence, Taurus. Just a few more years of this and youll be able to retire. When everything seems hopeless, we suggest that you purchase a few vases. Take them outside and smash them into pieces. Then, smash those pieces into dust. Keep the dust on your desk as a reminder that one day, we will all be dust.
- Gemini. Your recent birthday has left you with some cash in your bank account and a burning desire to spend it. Use this month to explore the world. Get out there and travel. Consider doing some international business. Enjoy your trip, but remember to be frugal while youre overseas so that you can afford to treat that exotic disease youre going to catch.
- Cancer. Stop worrying about other peoples money. Its affecting your personal relationships and it’s wearing you down. Focus instead on talking about those people behind their backs. By sowing dissent, youll open the door to more financial opportunities. This may cost you several friends, so really make sure that big-screen you want is worth it.
- Leo. Dear Leo, you are awesome and you know it. Celebrate that awesomeness by purchasing that thing you want without asking your spouse first. Pay in cash so that said purchase does not show up on your credit card statement. Keep said purchase from your spouse for as long as you possibly can. If said purchase is a motorcycle, offer your spouse a ride and ask for forgiveness.
- Virgo. Take time to appreciate the little things this month. Maybe you’ve paid all of your bills on time, or maybe your dog didnt once again scoot its butt across the white carpet this morning. In this turbulent life, we must cling to what we can, Virgo. If you still feel unbalanced, arrange all of your socks by color and then again by date of purchase. This should help.
- Libra. Mix things up this month, Libra. Tell the world youre ready for a promotion by wearing a crown to the office for two weeks straight. Knight your friends with a ruler and pay them to carry you around on a palanquin. Make everyone else address you as Your Middle-Managementness. It may not get you the raise, but it will get you noticed.
- Scorpio. Scorpios are supposed to be observant. Unfortunately, this just isnt your month. A near-miss will soon give you a new perspective on your budget or rather a new perspective slightly to the left of the old one if you fail to dodge that ball in time and end up needing the reconstructive surgery. You should probably go ahead and avoid sports venues for the next few weeks.
- Sagittarius. Things are changing all around you, Sagittarius, so dont be afraid to seek direction from someone wiser. Make a list of the smartest people you know and then call the fourth person. Tell them that you think theyre the fourth-smartest person on your list and demand that they tell you everything they know about Roth IRAs. If theyre still willing to talk to you, its probably good advice, and you should listen to it.
- Capricorn. You bring something to the table that nobody else can offer. Do something that shows the people in your work and personal life how important you are to them. We suggest performing an interpretative dance. Remember that fortune favors the bold, so dont be afraid to really shake it. Your dreams are waiting, Capricorn, so reach out there and grab them.
- Aquarius. Youre clever, Aquarius, but this month will test your character financially. Take your mind off your money by focusing on building new relationships. Talk to that cute boy or girl in your building. If s/he turns you down, write a love ballad on the guitar and play it in the hallway when s/he walks past. Thatll show ’em.
- Pisces. Dont lose your temper when something goes wrong at home. Let cooler heads prevail, and remember that you can always kick the problem out of the house when it turns 18. Center yourself by picking up a relaxing hobby like fishing or yoga, or screaming into a pillow until your face turns blue.
That does it for Junes financial horoscope. Hopefully the stars have got your back this month. Remember to stop by again next month to see what the universe holds in store for your financial well-being, because blaming random objects in the sky for the mess you’ve gotten yourself into is one of the most therapeutic things you can do for yourself at this point.