Your 100% Accurate Financial Horoscope for December

It’s December, and it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the end of the Mayan calendar and perhaps the world as we know it. Will you be feeling fine this month? Take a look at your 100% accurate financial horoscope and find out.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Have you noticed yourself feeling extra fiery this month? You might want to rein your sass in a bit, lest you find yourself five drinks deep at Christmas dinner telling your intolerable but filthy-rich great aunt what you really think of her and getting yourself cut from the will. So bite that tongue of yours to ensure your fiscal and familial safety.

Taurus (April 20 – May20) – Good news! The white Christmas you’ve been dreaming of is going to come true. The bad news? There’s going to be three feet of the white stuff, and as a result you’re going to need a new roof. So we hope you’ve been nice, not naughty, with your finances this year.

Gemini (May 20 – June 21) – Hope you’ve been saving up too, Gemini, because she’s expecting a ring.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – We know this past year has been tough on your budget, and we have a solution for you. Dig out that creepy, awkward, mortifying photo of yourself as a kid sitting on Santa’s lap. Scan it, then post it on the Internet. Next thing you know, it’ll end up on Awkward Family Photos, and soon you’ll start seeing yourself on T-shirts at Urban Outfitters. You know what to do next. Sue.

Leo (July 23- August 21) – The stars are telling us that you should avoid the mall, Leo, because in your future we see an incident that begins with large groups of people and doorbuster deals and ends with astronomical medical bills. Best to shop online. Everyone else is doing it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – We know you’re normally kind of shy, Virgo. But step out of your comfort zone a little and wear that sequined mini-dress to your friend’s party. It’ll put a little pep in your step, as your grandma probably says. We have a feeling you’re going to meet someone tall, dark, handsome and rich at that party.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Our financial tip for you this month is to make sure your phone is charged and on you at all times. You’re going to see someone kissing Santa underneath the mistletoe. No, not mommy, and not Mrs. Claus either. We won’t get specific, but we’re betting you can sell the pictures to the tabloids for big bucks.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) –  Eh. It’s not looking too good, Scorpio. Hasn’t been a good year overall, has it? Just remember, it’s almost over.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Good news, Sag. The stars have aligned to bring you an avalanche of birthday cash this year. Even those relatives you barely remember will make it snow on you this year. This is doubly good, because now that you can do your holiday shopping with birthday bucks instead of with your credit cards, you’ll avoid all kinds of data tracking creepery.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – We know you’re the fiscally conservative one among your circle of friends, but now’s the time to splurge. You’ve certainly got enough saved up to spread a little love this season. Just think of the looks on your friends’ faces when you surprise them all with great gifts this year. Now maybe they’ll stop calling you Scrooge behind your back.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Watch your eggnog consumption this month, Aquarius. Too much ‘nog in your noggin at the company party and you might just do something crazy enough to get yourself fired this time.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – The old Italian holiday tradition, The Feast of the Seven Fishes, might sound unappealing to the fish sign. But if you’re invited, go. Italian grandmothers give surprisingly sound financial advice. And you can always just eat the pasta.

And there you have your 100% accurate financial horoscope for the month of December. Not that they matter much, because the world’s just gonna end anyway.