Your (100% Accurate) Financial Horoscope for February

February is just about here, and that means that everyone’s least favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day, is just on the horizon. Will the universe be kind to your wallet this month or will you end up with both a broken heart and a broken bank account? Let’s see what the stars have to say.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – We know you’re a fire sign, Aries, and love leads the way for you. But it’s time to turn some of that feisty energy toward your financial situation. You’ve lost your focus, and you’ve lost thousands and thousands of dollars. You may not be aware of this, but it’s coming. If you’re diligent, you can look forward to a fine Valentine’s Day sometime this November.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Incredibly, our charts show that Venus, the planet of love, is in Uranus this February.  A side effect of this interesting conjunction is that your significant other will be feeling particularly needy this month – up your butt, so to speak. We know it’s your practical, earth-sign nature to be stoic, but your boyfriend is feeling unloved, and you certainly don’t want him to up and leave you to pay all the bills and rent on your own, do you? So if you want to avoid financial and romantic distress this month, pay him some attention!

Gemini (May 20 – June 21) – Let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day is just another way for candy companies and florists to make a profit. So why not get in touch with your inner entrepreneur, Gemini, and peddle some kitschy handmade Valentines this month on Etsy? And remember, always “put a bird on it,” because the ladies just love birds. You’re sure to make a profit, and money is better than love anyway.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Tsk, tsk Cancer. We heard through the astrological grapevine that you’ve been two-timing your significant other. You might have thought you’d get away with it, but the universe sees all. You know what else it sees? A hospital bill when your main squeeze comes home to find you in bed with your side piece. We hope you’ve been saving up, although we can’t say we feel too bad for you.

Leo (July 23 – August 21) – We know Valentine’s Day may seem a bit lonely this year, since your wife left you last fall. That ring you’ve been holding onto isn’t doing you any good sitting on your dresser, because (sorry to be blunt) she ain’t comin’ back. The good news, however, is that the price is right when it comes to gold right now. Pawn that rock and do you, boo.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Yes, her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard, and she’s the one that’s tattooed on your arm, but now that you’ve broken up, it’s time to do something about that, Virgo. Although you’ve been totally irresponsible with your love life up till now, you’ve been pretty good with your money, so now’s the time to invest in a laser tattoo removal session. You might actually get a date this Valentine’s Day if you do.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – We hope you’ve been saving up your moolah, Gemini, because February is about to throw you a nasty curveball. That wife of yours? Do you even remember you have one? You’re always stuck at work and she’s always at home … with your neighbor, as it turns out. Well, she’s about to run off with him and stick you with that massive Saks bill she’s been running up. Bummer.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Avoid giving your girlfriend chocolates this Valentine’s Day. That way, you’ll avoid having to pay the colossal emergency vet bill when her dog scarfs the whole box down while you guys are canoodling on the couch. Plus, that’s just a lame present anyway.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – This month, Cupid draws back his bow and lets his arrow go – straight to your bank account. It seems your wallet will be getting mad love this month. Enjoy the romance while it lasts.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Single again, Capricorn? Don’t feel too bad about it. Put all the money you’ll save on flowers and meaningless gifts this February toward paying off that mountain of credit card debt you’ve accrued by repeatedly drowning your sorrows in bourbon-flavored Ben & Jerry’s. You’ll be skinny and rich faster than you think, and maybe your next Valentine’s Day actually won’t suck.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – It’s probably best for you to stay home this Valentine’s Day, Aquarius. You haven’t exactly been having the best financial luck, and wasting money going out to dinner would be foolish. Instead, cook your lady a candlelight dinner at home. She’ll think you’re being extra romantic and thoughtful, when really you’re just being cheap. 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – That girl you’ve been messing around with, Pisces? We ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold-digger, but … well, you know the rest. Time to ditch her and find someone who loves you for you, before you end up destitute.

This concludes your completely accurate and scientifically sound astrological forecast for the month of February. Let us know how these predictions end up panning out in the comment section.