Your (100% Accurate) Financial Horoscope for October

Can you feel the chill in the air? October is finally here. Temperatures are dropping, Halloween stores are opening up all over town and soon roving gangs of miscreant youths will hit the streets in full costume, knocking over mailboxes and demanding candy from their neighbors and loved ones in what typically amounts to our least-favorite holiday of the year.

But don’t mind us. What’s really important is what the stars have in store for you this month. Will October be full of financial tricks or treats? Will you get sick off a sweet windfall or will credit card debt smash your fiscal pumpkins? We suppose you’ll just have to read on to find out.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – October may be National Breast Cancer Awareness month, but keep yourself under control Aries. Your favorite sports team is wearing pink commemorative jerseys, but that doesn’t mean that you should go out and buy one for yourself. It’s these kinds of impulse purchases that got you into so much credit card debt in the first place. If you really want to help out the cause, then donate a few dollars to Susan G. Komen. America’s breasts will thank you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Embrace your inner bully this month, Taurus. You know that the only way you and your friends will win that nightclub group costume contest is if you can get everyone to dress up as the fauna from Finding Nemo. You’ve been suggesting it for weeks, and now it’s time to buy the costumes and tell those people that they’re obligated to wear them. They may hate you now, but they’ll thank you when you’re enjoying that all-expenses-paid trip to Vegas.

Gemini (May 20 – June 21) – Now that all of the early season surprises are out of the way, it’s relatively safe to start betting on pro football again. Feed the itch, Gemini. Nobody ever got rich from gambling by not gambling. You’ve got to play to win. If you want our advice, put it all on the Texans. This is their year, trust us.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Have you given much thought to who you’re voting for in the presidential election, Cancer? We only ask because a medical mishap in your future is likely to make you reconsider your candidate of choice. Without spoiling the surprise, let’s just say you’re going to appreciate the fact that people can stay on their parents’ health insurance for free until they’re 26. Also, you may develop a lifelong phobia of hang gliders.

Leo (July 23 – August 21) – That’s a terrible idea for a costume, Leo. We can’t believe you would even entertain it. It’s far too soon for people to think that’s funny, and if you show up to the office party dressed like that you’re going to be fired on the spot. Then who will be laughing? Probably just Jeff, from accounting. That guy has a sick sense of humor.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Get ready, Virgo, because you’ll be joining the “One Percent” this October! No, not that one percent. In just a few short weeks you’ll be able to say you’re one of the few Americans who have successfully gotten a debt collector thrown in jail. Remember to save the brick she hurls through your window, as evidence. It’ll have her fingerprints all over it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) – It’s time to do something productive with your money, Libra. Take your rainy-day fund and use it to purchase some of those poor Ponzi scheme emus from India. Breed them and use them to start your own emu Ponzi scheme here in the states. Don’t worry about being exposed. After you’ve taken their money, nobody is going to try to fight their way through a thousand angry emus to get it back.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Embrace your entrepreneurial spirit this month, Scorpio. Buy a sewing machine and open a small boutique that produces “sexy” versions of your favorite Halloween costumes. It will be a cash cow. If people love Elmo costumes, they’ll go nuts for Sexy Elmo. And if they love Katy Perry, they’ll absolutely adore Sexy Katy Perry, or as some people call it, Zoey Deschanel.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – Congratulations! You’re in for some major windfalls this month, Sagittarius. First, your bank is going to try to illegally foreclose on your home. Then your stocks are going to tank. Finally, the youngest member of your family is going to spend all your money on World of Warcraft gold. What’s that? Oh, those are pitfalls. Sorry about that. Congratulations! You’re in for some major pitfalls this month, Sagittarius!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – Did you know that they found water on Mars? Capitalize on this excellent business opportunity, Capricorn. Buy some empty bottles, filter some tap water and start marketing it as genuine Mars Water. Tell people it’s been specially formulated and ionized to perfectly mimic the chemical composition of the water on Mars. Sell it for $4 a bottle. It may pain you to admit it, but deep down you know that this is a billion-dollar idea. You’re welcome.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) – Indulgence is your word of the month, Aquarius. Live like a rock star. Dress up like Tommy Lee for Halloween and hand out $5 bills and bars of boutique chocolate. Rent a Corvette and leave it in your driveway while the kids trick-or-treat. Tell every mom you encounter that you’d love to take her for a spin in it later. If they leave you their numbers, call them and leave a voice mail complimenting them on their costumes. Everyone deserves to feel pretty once in a while.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – Hate to break it to you Pisces, but it looks like you’re astrologically insignificant this month. Sorry about that. We don’t have anything for you. Go make yourself a cup of tea, curl up with a good book and wait for November to come around. It’ll be here before you know it. Not satisfied? Well how about this. You may find a wallet containing $500 this month. Keep it. Whoever lost it isn’t going to miss it.

This concludes your (100% accurate) financial horoscope for October. From what we can tell, it certainly looks like everyone is in for a “spirited” Halloween. Some of you will be tricked and some of you will be treated, but everyone will leave October a little wiser. So take care, get spooky and remember to stop by next month for even more fantastic and completely true predictions about your financial future.