Mothers Day is here again, which means that all around the world millions of women are about to be disappointed in their childrens terrible taste in gifts. Before the online shopping boom, this holiday used to be simple you got your mom some phone-order flowers and a card, maybe even a box of chocolates. Nowadays, though, any idiot with a few knickknacks to unload can list them online as The Perfect Present for Mom! The only thing more soul-crushing than the gifts themselves is that somewhere in America, someone is thinking themselves, Yeah, that back shaver is exactly what she needs.
To prove our point, we headed over to Amazon to search for the four most shameful pieces of merchandise being pushed on this years negligent sons and daughters. What we found was well, pretty much what we expected. In no particular order, here are seven things that you should never, ever give your mother for Mothers Day.
1) Hilarious Jesus Pill Box. We dont exactly get the angle the creators of the Give Us This Day Our Daily Meds pill container were thinking when they decided to market this product as a Mothers Day present. Is it supposed to be that Jesus + Vicodin = Haha? This joke is so unfunny that we dont think our Bible-beating mothers would even get that its supposed to be a joke. And in a way, that kind of makes it even sadder.
2) Happy-Mothers Day-Humor-Animal-Funny-Cat–Pet-Card. Why does this card look like someone made it in MS Paint? Why does that cat look so unhappy? Is it supposed to be our mothers cat? Because it doesnt look anything like our mothers cat. Actually, it kind of looks sick. Which begs the question: why would someone expect us to pay $3.00 for a picture of their sick cat? Does anyone at Amazon even review these things beforehand? We may never know.
3) Mother-Sized Mother’s Day Card. What better way to tell your mother that you love her than with a giant greeting card that she probably cant even lift, much less fit inside her house? Just think, if you didnt see this hilarious oversized card on sale you might have spent that $20 on something she actually wanted for the holidays, like a copy of When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us and a bottle of cheap wine.
4) A $30 Gallon of Apple Cider Vinegar. You are the worst kind of person.
5) 14-Day Acai Berry Cleanse. The creators of this purported weight-loss solution claim that it flushes excess weight and waste from the colon to help flatten the stomach by reducing puffiness and bloating. Really, all these pills will do is prove to your mother that you think shes fat and that you spend far too much time thinking about her poops. Because really, any amount of time spent thinking about your mother pooping is too much time.
6) A Mummy Mask. Let your mother know how you really feel about her this Friday by forcing her to wrap her face up like a burn victim. The FACETHINNER mask apparently helps fight aging by squeezing the fat out of Mom’s old, ugly face. Included in the kit are a few strips of gauze, some elastic and a set of nose plugs to make sure that shes really suffocating this time. Did we just accuse people who buy this gift of being serial killers? We did and we dare you to do something about it.
7) Socks and Butter. If your mother suffers from chronic aching feet, you can help her mend them in the most terrifying way possible with this sock and cream combo. First, she has to rub the pure shea butter all over those barking dogs. We mean really slather it on. Then, she simply needs to put on the miracle dollar-store socks and schloop-schoop her way out of sore feet and into your Freudian nightmares.
Not everybody can be a creative and thoughtful gift-giver this Mothers Day, so please accept your limitations. If you cant think of anything better than flowers and a Hallmark card to get your old mum this Friday, then just get her the flowers and the Hallmark card. At least that way your mother will be able to spend the holiday pretending that youve grown up to be a mature and well-adjusted adult instead of someone who thinks that gauze bandages and pictures of other peoples cats are acceptable gifts to give the person who birthed and raised you.